Dad falls apart (AndyG lawyers up)
- Thread starter AndyG
- Start date
OP
Hey Buddy-
We lost dad about 3 a.m. Monday morning.
I was worn out after the drive back Saturday night and laid down to rest after church Sunday. Woke up at 3:30 with the thought “Go see your dad now”.
I went.
He was asleep and just didn’t look right- couldn’t put my finger on it but something was just off....his kidneys were working and I looked close, breath was shallow. I tip toed out, talked to the staff, went and checked his property and went to church- I told my wife I wasn’t sure he was ok but she did not understand me.
We got the call that night. Yesterday I was numb all day, much better today.
Seems the tenant in the house saw a lawyer and realizes she needs to go- will see.
Thank you so much for asking I kept telling myself I was going to slow down today and post on this.
My wife and sister are at the funeral home now- I’m working so I can take off when needed.
Still much to resolve- more on that later.
He was living independently 5 weeks ago. Now he is gone. We are getting a hair test for poisoning, just in case.
Thanks
Andy
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Condolences, Andy. BTDT GTTS GOO. Allow yourself to grieve, it will come in cycles/waves. It takes 2 years for the worst of it to pass.
OP
Thanks guys- all of you.
I’m not out of the woods by any means- My brother was married to a girl that would not give him a divorce in hopes that this day would come and she would benefit-
I know everything is going to be OK in my heart, but I also know that you do not let down your guard.
He was a good dad, and making him proud was a lot of what made me who I am today. He valued good behavior, good dealings, firm handshakes, and straight talk. “Doing right” was everything with dad. He was not some flawless saint, but he gave respect where it was earned, and he was respected because he valued character.
All the best,
Andy G
Thoughts and prayers Andy. I lost my mom the beginning of March and it still breaks out every now and again...and again...and again
Please accept my condolences on the untimely loss of your fathers. Your family will be in our prayers. I know how hard it is and have faith you will help navigate your family through this tough time.
I am dealing with similar issues with my FIL, not even my father. His 2 sons are too busy to deal with anything and if I don't do it no one will. I have POA, Healthcare proxy and the living will. I told his sons 7 years ago to get all this in line and to help prevent any lookback but they couldn't be bothered. Now it is a shit storm that I have to navigate. Assisted living, sell the house, deal with the retirement accounts, pay the bills, etc. Everything he saved to give to his kids is now being sucked dry for day to day living and his dream of leaving his kids with something fruitful is being crushed. I do not understand how someone can just turn a shoulder to their mother and father during a time of need.
The thing is no one is ever experienced in this stuff except the attorneys.
I am dealing with similar issues with my FIL, not even my father. His 2 sons are too busy to deal with anything and if I don't do it no one will. I have POA, Healthcare proxy and the living will. I told his sons 7 years ago to get all this in line and to help prevent any lookback but they couldn't be bothered. Now it is a shit storm that I have to navigate. Assisted living, sell the house, deal with the retirement accounts, pay the bills, etc. Everything he saved to give to his kids is now being sucked dry for day to day living and his dream of leaving his kids with something fruitful is being crushed. I do not understand how someone can just turn a shoulder to their mother and father during a time of need.
The thing is no one is ever experienced in this stuff except the attorneys.
OP
Yes that is a very typical case and what may be going to happen is when the dust settles they would be likely to look at you and question why there is not any money left- It is terribly costly and hard to navigate. You have my respect for taking on the job and I wish you the very best.
I’m not saying that this is your predicament but in most cases the best one of the bunch bears the responsibility and that frees everybody else up to criticize the job they are doing.
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you only know about this stuff once you go through it. Luckily we got my inlaws set up with an elder care attorney and when it was time for MIL to go into the nursing home they were 6 months past the look back. She walked in on her own power in July and was gone by end of Sept. Yes it was expensive to set up but saved them hundreds of thousands in the end.
That possibility had not even entered my mind but given her actions so far I don't know why I wouldn't have thought of that as something she would stoop to.
One of my close friends just lost his dad, same day as you...he got a diagnosis a couple years ago so they had time and knew it was coming, but I'm not sure what difference that makes. We have a lifetime to prepare for the loss of our fathers, yet I don't think anyone gets to that day and feels prepared for it.
OP
That is the gospel truth.
We were even told last week that he had three days to a week and he was feeding himself at times and we just couldn’t process it.
I do think that there was something going on internally and we did get some very clear evidence of that but another member mentioned the poisoning and we’re certainly going to at least check it so that we don’t have to have that in our minds from now on. The weight loss sure made me wonder what was going on.
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MountaineerTom
LJ Enthusiast, Retired USAF Weapons Loader
Supporting Member
Ride of the Month Winner
OP
Thank you sir.
It occurred to me that I haven’t lost anyone close to me in a long, long time- and I had completely lost sight of what grief felt like.
Monday I was numb, way better Tuesday and Wednesday, but today was pretty hard.
I worked all I could keep my mind off of things and also to compensate for a lot of the time that I’ve missed and may have to miss- Trim carpentry comes to me without a lot of thinking due to years of doing it- today we had two small bathrooms to run crown in and I didn’t have my normal crown molding saw to cut it in position so I decided to just use the cordless saw in my trailer and cut it on the flat- after about 10 minutes l looked at Dave, my buddy who has been with me since the beginning and a real friend, and said “I can’t do it” and stepped aside.
The funeral is tomorrow, and as the day went on I just couldn’t get it off my mind.
I know everything will be ok.
I know it may sound like I’m just saying this because we all have a common interest but I have really enjoyed having my jeep this week to slip out in in the evenings.
I really never did want to be part of the four-door crowd and I say that carefully because I would make use of one if I got my hands on it-
But the TJ fit the description of what a jeep always was to me- But having a TJ would have been a lonely miserable experience if it weren’t for this forum. Now I can be on here and share my misery with others
.I have made some genuine friendships through this forum and there’s just something about a time like this that really makes you appreciate the things that matter.
You guys reaching out, the texts, the pms, has all really been great. We should all be really proud of what we have here.
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Man I just saw this thread and all I can say is peace on you and your family. Losing anyone is tough, but a father, I cant imagine. Something I never really had in life, but it sounds like you had a hell of a daddy. Cherish that.
Just went through something similar with my grandmas house. She raised me from a baby and when she got old I stepped up and took care of her through dealing with grandpa (a whole other crazy story) thieving relatives, addiction to prescription meds and a whole mess of once or twice a week "emergencies" for the past 10+ years. She started falling down late last year and went into a nursing home just after Christmas. She's the only mother I have ever known and the only person in this world I knew had my back 100%.
When she went into the home the hands came out and everyone wanted to know what the old woman had and how much they were getting. True answer, not much. She gave it all to me in 2015 on a promise I would make sure she was looked after in the end. I got the house and what little money there was and she never told a soul, she wanted it to be a surprise. In the end the people that didn't like me much like me a little less. I asked grandma if I should share out the money from the house. She told me "don't give any of 'em a damn penny". She may be old but she remembers.
Thought I would fix up the house and keep it for a rental. First time I stepped inside without her there I couldn't take it, it felt so sad without her. Sold it wholesale the next day to a buddy of mine for a fair price for both of us.
Best of luck with the estate, its a mess at best of times but you're on the right track. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other Andy.
Just went through something similar with my grandmas house. She raised me from a baby and when she got old I stepped up and took care of her through dealing with grandpa (a whole other crazy story) thieving relatives, addiction to prescription meds and a whole mess of once or twice a week "emergencies" for the past 10+ years. She started falling down late last year and went into a nursing home just after Christmas. She's the only mother I have ever known and the only person in this world I knew had my back 100%.
When she went into the home the hands came out and everyone wanted to know what the old woman had and how much they were getting. True answer, not much. She gave it all to me in 2015 on a promise I would make sure she was looked after in the end. I got the house and what little money there was and she never told a soul, she wanted it to be a surprise. In the end the people that didn't like me much like me a little less. I asked grandma if I should share out the money from the house. She told me "don't give any of 'em a damn penny". She may be old but she remembers.
Thought I would fix up the house and keep it for a rental. First time I stepped inside without her there I couldn't take it, it felt so sad without her. Sold it wholesale the next day to a buddy of mine for a fair price for both of us.
Best of luck with the estate, its a mess at best of times but you're on the right track. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other Andy.
OP
Man the hands coming out before dad even passed got to me.
“Name your price!” his 84 year old brother yelled about a trailer I had given dad I was taking home. Sir, do you see it attached to my trailer ball?
The Kubota tractor has really amazed me- offer upon offer. Uh, he ain’t dead Fred, it ain’t mine to sell. How about asking how dad is ? It has gotten to the point I will not sell it just to be impartial.
Some of the tackiest crap I’ve seen.
2 hours into the morning of his death one person asked if we had arrangements made. Yes, we are arranging for rigor mortis to set in you idiot. He had been dead 8 hours.
A couple I know was sending me “exciting pics” of their concrete walls being cut knowing full well Dad had passed during the night. Seriously?
About the same with the Corvette.
For the rest of my life I will NEVER approach someone about property a loved one left- they need time to decide how they feel about it, plus time to read the will and probate the estate. It is not the time to play lets make a deal.
The more I got harassed the less open I became.
Sis said “keep the Corvette.” Ok sis.
I’m not a ‘vette guy at heart, they are a fairly narcissistic car to me(no slam to any vette guys) - but give me a C6 with under 22,000 miles and I’ll take a ride. The most impressed I ever was with a Corvette was a C6 I drove when they first came out. I remember saying they had finally made them into a really nice riding, quiet car. Also the transaxle weight bias is awesome. They hook up.
Thanks for your personal story. Really touching.
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