Went to tackle the A/C problems tonight, only to find that the dang thing blows plenty cold. I tried to explain this to my wife, but if there's a topic, she knows about it. Turns out what is happening is that the face vent blows cold until (presumably?) there's not enough vacuum to hold things steady because then it starts blowing cold on my feet instead. Then if you slow down, it moves back to the upper vents.
Interestingly, I swear when I looked at this a few months ago it would only blow on feet/defrost, but now the sliders control things 100% correctly, outside of this one vacuum issue. I don't claim to know how this system works, but it would appear that I probably don't have a vacuum leak, since most of the time it's perfect. Or at least not a leak in the typical way. I'm guessing it's a check valve or maybe the vacuum box under the battery or the hose leading to it are the issue. It's not able to store (or deliver) the vacuum the HVAC needs when the engine vac is at a minimum.
Am I high, or does this sound plausible?