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The Italian Cow

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Flivver250, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Flivver250

    Flivver250 Member
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    The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

    So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucci, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

    The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said.
    "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."
     
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  2. EJD

    EJD TJ Overlander
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    Lol, random but I like it..
     
  3. Thunderhead

    Thunderhead TJ Enthusiast
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    Classic. I’m a fan of classic jokes.
    If we can get the ball rolling.
    3 midgets are drinking one nafternoon and they get to talking. @Chris says I bet I have the worlds smallest hands !
    “You know” the 2nd midget named @Jerry Bransford says “ I bet I have the smallest feet in the world !!!!!!
    The 3rd midget named @JMT says I bet I have the worlds smallest pecker !!!!
    So they go down the Guinness world’s records lab to get measured. @Chris comes our doing hand stands and yells “I’m in the world records!” @Jerry Bransford gets all excited and runs in !!! Comes out a world record holder for the smallest feet. @JMT comes out all dejected; who the hell is @mrblaine
     
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  4. Flivver250

    Flivver250 Member
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    Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
    The Holy Orgasm sounds like "Oh God, oh god…" The Positive Orgasm goes "Yes, yes, oh yes, " The Negative Orgasm goes "no, no, oh no" and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes "Oh mrblaine!

    Disclaimer: I have no idea who mrblaine is, but as he was put down above, might as well kick him again and I have no issue with him exacting revenge.
     
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  5. mrblaine

    mrblaine TJ Guru
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    Upon finding himself at Heaven's Gate, Joe noticed an entire building filled with clocks all showing different times. Confused, he queried Saint Peter as to their purpose. Oh, they aren't clocks, those are counters that click forward every time someone masturbates. A bit embarrassed, Joe finds his and notes that it has accumulated what looks like the average amount compared to the rest and feels a bit better. Looking around a bit more he tells Saint Peter that he can't find the one for his buddy Flivver250? Oh, well that's because we needed a fan in the office so we moved it in there.
     
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  6. mrblaine

    mrblaine TJ Guru
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    One day I was at the urinal and this guy introduces himself as Thunderhead and said he couldn't help but notice how well endowed I was and did I have any tips for him since he seemed to struggle a bit in that department?

    Sure, just do like I do and every night before you hop in bed, whip it out and smack it 10 times against the bedpost.
    Thunderhead thinking that his lady has been a bit less than enthusiastic about bedroom time of late has the idea that this may spice things up and get them back on track.

    That night as soon as the lights are out in the bedroom, he whips it out and starts to whack it against the bedpost. His lady perks right up and he hears in her sexiest most turned on voice- That you mrblaine?
     
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  7. cliffish

    cliffish TJ Addict
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    I am staying far away from this thread!:car:
     
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  8. mrblaine

    mrblaine TJ Guru
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    You're a wise man.
     
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  9. JMT

    JMT The Jeep Guy
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    >That night as soon as the lights are out in the bedroom, he whips it out and starts to whack it against the bedpost. His lady perks right up and he hears in her sexiest most turned on voice- That you mrblaine? continued...

    No, it's JMT. To which she replied, "Yes, yes, Oh yes!" ;)
     
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  10. Jerry Bransford

    Jerry Bransford TJ Guru
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    Three missionaries are asleep in their tent in the jungles of deepest darkest Africa. Well past midnight, 20 fierce screaming warrior suddenly arrive & grab them and start dragging them through the jungles. The missionaries are scared to death, they're all moaning & crying. Two days later they arrive at the warrior's village and the three are dragged into the Chief's hut where he is sitting on his throne. Held firmly in front of the Chief, they are all crying & wondering what's going to happen to them!

    The Chief looks at them angrily and then says in a deep gruff voice... "Mmmm, you have been caught sleeping in our most sacred jungle burial grounds and you must be punished severely! You may choose your punishment... you will choose between Death or Boola-Boola! You will be taken to a hut and you must give me your decision in the morning!"

    After a terrible night of the three missionaries wondering what Boola Boola must be, they are led back to the Chief's hut to give him their decisions. The chief looks at the first missionary and says "Well, what is your decision"? He is shaking and crying & says "Chief I don't know what Boola Boola is but it surely better than Death so I choose Boola Boola!" The Chief smiles says "Boola Boola it is!". The jungle natives all also smile and take him outside to tie his wrists between two jungle trees and he starts screaming as the warriors all begin having their way with him while chanting boola boola, boola boola!

    The other two natives are now petrified finally knowing what Boola Boola is now.

    The Chief asks the second missionary for his decision. The missionary is crying by now and finally says 'Chief, Boola Boola is horrible but it is better than Death so I choose Boola Boola! Not looking surprised, the Chief then sends him out where another bunch of Warriors start having their way with him too, all the while saying boola boola, boola boola as they enjoy themselves with the second missionary.

    The Chief then asks the third missionary for his decision. The last missionary is wailing and shaking by now after having seen what happened to his two fellow missionaries. "Chief, the missionary says between loud sobs, Boola Boola is too horrible, I must choose Death.

    The Chief has a surprised & confused look on his face and after a few moments of thought says "Mmmm, no one ever choose Death before. Alight, Death it is... Death by Boola Boola!
     
    #10 Jerry Bransford, Jun 13, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
  11. S.McArthur

    S.McArthur Member

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    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of ***** I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
     
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  12. S.McArthur

    S.McArthur Member

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    A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

    He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.
     
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  13. S.McArthur

    S.McArthur Member

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    ***Replace names as needed***

    Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

    The three men had always done everything together.

    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

    Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

    The mortician thought this was rather strange.

    So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

    Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

    Roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

    Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two *** holes.'

    'What? He had two *** holes?' asked the mortician.

    'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

    'There's Stanley with them two *** holes.'
     
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  14. S.McArthur

    S.McArthur Member

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    How do you get down from an elephant?

    You don't, you get it from a duck.
     
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  15. S.McArthur

    S.McArthur Member

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    Little Jimmy was sitting on a street corner eating candy.

    An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat that candy it will rot your teeth"

    Little Jimmy responded "my grandfather is 90 years old and he still has all of his teeth"

    The old man asked, "does your grandfather eat a lot of candy?"

    "NO," said little Jimmy, " he minds his own dang business"
     
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  16. mrblaine

    mrblaine TJ Guru
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    FIFY
     
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  17. KMG

    KMG TJ Enthusiast

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    A good man passed away and was shocked when he realized he had gone to hell and not heaven. Lucifer came up to him and reassured him that hell isn't as bad as he had been lead to believe. Lucifer then asked the man if he smoked to which the man replied yes. Lucifer explained that's what they do all day long on Mondays to which the man replied, I can do that. Then Lucifer asked if the man drank and the man answered yes. Lucifer again explained that that's all they do on Tuesdays, Drink, Drink, Drink and again the man said he could do that too. Lucifer asked the man if he was a homosexual to which he answered No I'm not gay. Lucifer replied, You're not going to like Wednesdays!
     
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  18. Kiwi TJ

    Kiwi TJ A naked man fears no pickpockets
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    what yellow and dangerous?...…..Shark infested custard.
     

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