What did I do wrong this time?

[AndyG]

First, thanks for reading this. We all have times in life we just don’t need “one more thing.” I’m pretty sure I’m there.

My 81 year old single dad is basically an invalid. He has left cash in a bank a bank account, 9 cars (yes, you read that right), the typical old guy stuff, a Kubota tractor, 3 mowers and a lady I’ve never met in a house he owns who has produced a deed claiming she has ownership of the property and contents of the first floor. In Alabama if you gift a property within 5 years of Medicaid paying for full time care, they will go back and equally penalize your benefits the value. It is called the Look Back law. Thankfully they did not cohabitate and create a common law marriage.

Today we were told he is getting kicked out of rehab before his 21 day allowance, giving us little time to find a place to care for him.


I keep thinking I’m going to wake up, or at least hoping- that maybe this is all a bad dream.

So we lawyer up to evict the lady, which will force her hand to prove the legitimacy of the deed (it has yet to be filed, there is no time limit). If the deed is legit and under 5 years old she gets the house and there is no eviction, the state will lien it and will likely seize it upon his death. It actually works well for my sister and I, and the state has more power than we do- ultimately the money is used to care for him, and would be under any circumstances any way. We did try to set up a meeting to talk peacefully but that fell apart immediately. All that said if it is legitimate and he wanted her to have it that is perfectly fine- but she has a criminal record, 3 divorces, a substance abuse history, and is in a lawsuit with her own family, we would just like to verify the deed before we walk away and deal with an equal penalty to his benefits.

So all this is to set you up for this- I have $2 million dollars of remodels in the build stage in addition to the above situation and this happens:

My company buys some flooring regularly from my a store my aunt and uncle own. They are like parents to me-

Their son recently broke his word to my client and lead guy 3 times and embarrassed us in front of a client - who happens to work for the chamber of commerce.

Then their grandson repeatedly fails to return texts or keep his word, makes hollow promises- “I’ll look at it tomorrow, etc” then crickets. In my opinion this is largely why their business has never come close to it’s potential. They also have been so ashamed of their actions they avoid me. And believe me they know how I feel and how I conduct myself.

Irritated I text my Aunt who runs it to get on their rear end and quit breaking their word, and at least tell us if they can’t do what they said. Just say “hey man, I can’t get to that”. Any thing.

Side note - I have this ethic in all my business and personal endeavors. I’m no perfect, incredible, wonder boy at all, I just know one thing- keeping your word is the best way you can set yourself apart from the crowd in construction. Sure, once a year I may slip up or miss a text or make some human mistake - but 99.99% of the time I keep my word- or promptly contact the client, vendor or whoever. The first secret to this is be careful what you promise. I live my life this way because it makes me feel better about who I am than I felt years ago when I was not the man I needed to be.

So how does my Aunt respond?

“You have broke my heart, please just pay your bill and go elsewhere.”


I am devastated. Basically she would rather have me and my high morals out of her life if it disgraces her son and grandson by exposing their lack of integrity.

It was one of the biggest kicks in the stomach I have ever experienced.

So what did I do?

First, I just really, really thought about it. I read it multiple times to make sure she did not somehow misunderstand something.

Then I texted my assistant to pay the bill in full in person today, and I told her this -

I’m asking for them to conduct themselves honorably and in return you tell me to pay up and go elsewhere rather than address the problem? Where is your sense of right and wrong?

And thanked her for the account and for the help they had been to me in life and blocked her number.

I’m not giving my family a pass. Just because I’m kin to someone doesn’t sign me up to be lied to and expected to like it. If they don’t value integrity like I do, I don’t want to be associated with them. Family or not. I do not need people like that in my life.

I may never know what I did wrong, or where that came from, but my Aunt knows full well my current circumstances and has the unbelievable nerve to tell me to get lost rather than confront wrong.

Ok then, I sure will.

Whatever happened to keeping your word? To a handshake deal. To being reliable. To being honorable. To being consistent with what you say? Why would anyone want less?

 

[Sancho]

100% true bout doing what you say.... goes a long way.

Regarding your aunt.... maybe have lunch and a face to face convo? Family is always worth a 2nd try.

 

[2001slvrstntj]

This is a tough situation but I fully understand your position. Perhaps her son and grandson are telling her different stories and she is believing them. As mentioned maybe a face to face talk after some time passes would be worth a try. Sounds like a relationship worth trying to salvage. Sorry to hear all you are dealing with, good luck.

 

[Zorba]

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Two things:

1) My sister-in-law has a son who is pretty much useless. He's 32 years old, lives at home, drinks all the time, is a flake, blah, blah, blah. She's enabling him. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. Just because they're "Family", doesn't mean they keep getting a pass over and over and over again...

2) NEVER conduct business via text. NEVER. Email, snail mail, FTF, or phone call.

 

[JMT]

@AndyG, you never know what your Aunt’s sons have told her and what she thinks is really going on. Most likely they’ve painted you in a bad light. Getting these situations resolved can be a challenge. Could be easy, or could be impossible.

In my case, my youngest brother has been a lying, meth addict, alcoholic, abusive to parents and they still enable him and believe him over me who has raised five super respectful upright kids who work hard, pay their own insurance, et al. He told my parents I sent him nasty texts and my mom secretly told my 13 yr old daughter. I did send him texts, so I showed my daughter who had defended me before my mom since she knows I would never do that. A string of happy birthday and merry Christmas texts with never a single response or text from my brother, yet my mom still believes him. I live 2,000 miles away from my parents. I don’t regret it at all.

 

[tr21triton]

Andy family or not if they make you look bad in front of your clients there gone. a slip up 1 time ok, and the 2nd time we gonna have some serious words and the 3rd time you gone, family or not you did the right thing. I would hand deliver her the check and explain to her how those kids are going to ruin her business and she wont get your business again unless they're gone !

 

[HDRider]

So what did I do?

You tried to hold them accountable.

 

[TRE3TOP]

Eh you did the right thing. Wash your hands of the situation and find a vendor you don’t have an emotional attachment to that is good to their word. Don’t let her problems become your problems.

 

[AndyG]

You guys are awesome- I wanted a variety of sound reasoning and this was perfect-

There is a huge human tendency for people to let family and friendship ties blind them to the character of people-

I have seen people overlook unbelievable things and become friends or associate with people that if they didn’t know them and they moved next door to their mother they would be scared to death for her.

This situation really accentuates a pattern I’ve seen for about 30 years when it comes to turning a blind eye to the children-

I’m not going to let this get a life of its own- I’m going to keep doing what I know works- I don’t even need the business relationship at all- And I can sure go without being treated like that.

They keep pushing me to bring the Kabota tractor to their house so they can give it to their son- Technically it’s not my tractor and the state is going to have a bigger say about dad’s assets than I do. It can sit.

Thank you guys for taking time to post. I really appreciate the feedback.

 

[AndyG]

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Two things:

1) My sister-in-law has a son who is pretty much useless. He's 32 years old, lives at home, drinks all the time, is a flake, blah, blah, blah. She's enabling him. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. Just because they're "Family", doesn't mean they keep getting a pass over and over and over again...

2) NEVER conduct business via text. NEVER. Email, snail mail, FTF, or phone call.

I can certainly identify with a category one with my brother and mother.

I’m going to be more careful in the future and to keep the text to information. Paint colors, trim style etc.

I was probably a little bit rash and irritated at the time I sent it because a customer had set home thinking someone was coming and they did not. That fires people up and I hate trying to get mad people to like me and pay me money. One of the problems with text is people read emotion into it that is not there.

Good post.

 

[tr21triton]

I was probably a little bit rash and irritated at the time I sent it because a customer had set home thinking someone was coming and they did not

yea. you know you had another thread about contractors and I said this was #1 on my list ! yep this is #1 NO NO in my book, you did what you had to do to not put yourself or your business in this situation again. it's your and your businesses reputation and you dont want either to be tarnished . you did the right thing buddy !

 

[mrblaine]

First, thanks for reading this. We all have times in life we just don’t need “one more thing.” I’m pretty sure I’m there.

My 81 year old single dad is basically an invalid. He has left cash in a bank a bank account, 9 cars (yes, you read that right), the typical old guy stuff, a Kubota tractor, 3 mowers and a lady I’ve never met in a house he owns who has produced a deed claiming she has ownership of the property and contents of the first floor. In Alabama if you gift a property within 5 years of Medicaid paying for full time care, they will go back and equally penalize your benefits the value. It is called the Look Back law. Thankfully they did not cohabitate and create a common law marriage.

Today we were told he is getting kicked out of rehab before his 21 day allowance, giving us little time to find a place to care for him.


I keep thinking I’m going to wake up, or at least hoping- that maybe this is all a bad dream.

So we lawyer up to evict the lady, which will force her hand to prove the legitimacy of the deed (it has yet to be filed, there is no time limit). If the deed is legit and under 5 years old she gets the house and there is no eviction, the state will lien it and will likely seize it upon his death. It actually works well for my sister and I, and the state has more power than we do- ultimately the money is used to care for him, and would be under any circumstances any way. We did try to set up a meeting to talk peacefully but that fell apart immediately. All that said if it is legitimate and he wanted her to have it that is perfectly fine- but she has a criminal record, 3 divorces, a substance abuse history, and is in a lawsuit with her own family, we would just like to verify the deed before we walk away and deal with an equal penalty to his benefits.

So all this is to set you up for this- I have $2 million dollars of remodels in the build stage in addition to the above situation and this happens:

My company buys some flooring regularly from my a store my aunt and uncle own. They are like parents to me-

Their son recently broke his word to my client and lead guy 3 times and embarrassed us in front of a client - who happens to work for the chamber of commerce.

Then their grandson repeatedly fails to return texts or keep his word, makes hollow promises- “I’ll look at it tomorrow, etc” then crickets. In my opinion this is largely why their business has never come close to it’s potential. They also have been so ashamed of their actions they avoid me. And believe me they know how I feel and how I conduct myself.

Irritated I text my Aunt who runs it to get on their rear end and quit breaking their word, and at least tell us if they can’t do what they said. Just say “hey man, I can’t get to that”. Any thing.

Side note - I have this ethic in all my business and personal endeavors. I’m no perfect, incredible, wonder boy at all, I just know one thing- keeping your word is the best way you can set yourself apart from the crowd in construction. Sure, once a year I may slip up or miss a text or make some human mistake - but 99.99% of the time I keep my word- or promptly contact the client, vendor or whoever. The first secret to this is be careful what you promise. I live my life this way because it makes me feel better about who I am than I felt years ago when I was not the man I needed to be.

So how does my Aunt respond?

“You have broke my heart, please just pay your bill and go elsewhere.”


I am devastated. Basically she would rather have me and my high morals out of her life if it disgraces her son and grandson by exposing their lack of integrity.

It was one of the biggest kicks in the stomach I have ever experienced.

So what did I do?

First, I just really, really thought about it. I read it multiple times to make sure she did not somehow misunderstand something.

Then I texted my assistant to pay the bill in full in person today, and I told her this -

I’m asking for them to conduct themselves honorably and in return you tell me to pay up and go elsewhere rather than address the problem? Where is your sense of right and wrong?

And thanked her for the account and for the help they had been to me in life and blocked her number.

I’m not giving my family a pass. Just because I’m kin to someone doesn’t sign me up to be lied to and expected to like it. If they don’t value integrity like I do, I don’t want to be associated with them. Family or not. I do not need people like that in my life.

I may never know what I did wrong, or where that came from, but my Aunt knows full well my current circumstances and has the unbelievable nerve to tell me to get lost rather than confront wrong.

Ok then, I sure will.

Whatever happened to keeping your word? To a handshake deal. To being reliable. To being honorable. To being consistent with what you say? Why would anyone want less?

You can't dictate or argue to change someone else's ethics. I have to explain that to folks all the time when I hear their side of a discussion and them starting in with the "you need to do this or that in a certain way to adhere to a particular moral or ethical standard" which is just debating with them. It isn't a debate. You need to step back and realize you have to pick what is important to you regardless of their behaviors.

I just went through a very minor version of that but as an illustration, someone placed an order with a request for a larger than normal amount of our lip balm to try out since they need it more than most. I also know them reasonably well and they are in a position to bloom a mutually beneficial relationship by helping me out with some custom stuff. I ordered up and paid for the material, got ready to get it all going and then it dawned on me I had yet to hear about the extras in the order or even if the order had arrived. I asked and was told, yeah, it got here a few days ago. Oh really and all of that doesn't even deserve a simple thank you? No problem, tell me what I owe, I'll pay every cent of it and then we are done.

You can't change your aunt's ethics, you can ONLY change whether or not you want to tolerate it. Getting between her and her kinfolks is exactly the same as wrestling pigs, you ain't gonna win and all you are getting for your efforts is a lot of mud on ya.

 

[AndyG]

You can't dictate or argue to change someone else's ethics. I have to explain that to folks all the time when I hear their side of a discussion and them starting in with the "you need to do this or that in a certain way to adhere to a particular moral or ethical standard" which is just debating with them. It isn't a debate. You need to step back and realize you have to pick what is important to you regardless of their behaviors.

I just went through a very minor version of that but as an illustration, someone placed an order with a request for a larger than normal amount of our lip balm to try out since they need it more than most. I also know them reasonably well and they are in a position to bloom a mutually beneficial relationship by helping me out with some custom stuff. I ordered up and paid for the material, got ready to get it all going and then it dawned on me I had yet to hear about the extras in the order or even if the order had arrived. I asked and was told, yeah, it got here a few days ago. Oh really and all of that doesn't even deserve a simple thank you? No problem, tell me what I owe, I'll pay every cent of it and then we are done.

You can't change your aunt's ethics, you can ONLY change whether or not you want to tolerate it. Getting between her and her kinfolks is exactly the same as wrestling pigs, you ain't gonna win and all you are getting for your efforts is a lot of mud on ya.

I always love to see your take Blaine.

When I tell people how I feel about what is at the core of this conversation and that is being true to my word regardless of the consequences or inconvenience, People will nod like it’s a good idea but at the same time look at you like you’re from another planet.

It really does make me wonder if this type of thing is just almost completely gone out the door in our society.

I certainly know that I’m not going to change her and I think it just really really blew me away that she responded that way- I just didn’t see it coming.

 

[freedom_in_4low]

Eh, I like most of my family but I don't really buy into the idea that there needs to be any stronger connection than anyone else just because we happen to share a common ancestor. My uncle is a complete POS and I have zero regrets about not having him in my life.

 

[mrblaine]

I certainly know that I’m not going to change her and I think it just really really blew me away that she responded that way- I just didn’t see it coming.

It is better for you if you get a bit introspective and realize that really isn't true. You actually did know it was that way, you have been dealing with it and if she wasn't going to respond that way, then you would not have been dealing with the shithead's poor business ethic. It was there, it has been there, you just chose to ignore it in hopes that it would change because you wanted it to and pretty much expected it to because "relatives". You really did expect them to treat you differently because of how you felt about them. You forgot that what really matters is how they feel about you. Now you know.

 

[AndyG]

Eh, I like most of my family but I don't really buy into the idea that there needs to be any stronger connection than anyone else just because we happen to share a common ancestor. My uncle is a complete POS and I have zero regrets about not having him in my life.

You know we grow up and we sort of end up around family a lot and we just think it’s not optional or a given- As I reach what I know is the last quarter of my life my feelings are changing to that view- I mean after 30-40 years of seeing behavior we don’t agree with why in the world would we smile and eat fried chicken like its all good and then go out and avoid others who act like that- its a double standard.

 

[AndyG]

It is better for you if you get a bit introspective and realize that really isn't true. You actually did know it was that way, you have been dealing with it and if she wasn't going to respond that way, then you would not have been dealing with the shithead's poor business ethic. It was there, it has been there, you just chose to ignore it in hopes that it would change because you wanted it to and pretty much expected it to because "relatives". You really did expect them to treat you differently because of how you felt about them. You forgot that what really matters is how they feel about you. Now you know.

You are exactly right. I was actually just thinking how I said I’ve seen this behavior 30 plus years and In the same conversation talk about how shocked I was. I need to better learn to see things how they are.

 

[mrblaine]

Eh, I like most of my family but I don't really buy into the idea that there needs to be any stronger connection than anyone else just because we happen to share a common ancestor. My uncle is a complete POS and I have zero regrets about not having him in my life.

I'm always highly envious of folks who have family that treats them like family. My wife and I are blessed, or cursed depending on your perspective in that neither of us has a single family member that treats us as family. As such, we have zero contact with a single relative on either side.

 

[AndyG]

I'm always highly envious of folks who have family that treats them like family. My wife and I are blessed, or cursed depending on your perspective in that neither of us has a single family member that treats us as family. As such, we have zero contact with a single relative on either side.

Based on my experience you’re probably fortunate just like it is.

I’m pretty sure normal people are the ones we don’t know well.

 

[mrblaine]

You know we grow up and we sort of end up around family a lot and we just think it’s not optional or a given- As I reach what I know is the last quarter of my life or whatever no feelings are changing to that view- I mean after 30-40 years of seeing behavior we don’t agree with why in the world would we smile and eat fried chicken like its all good and then go out and avoid others who act like that- its a double standard.

It isn't a double standard. It is the desire to maintain familial relationships that we somehow have a sense that they should matter. We'll tolerate far more bullshit than is prudent for our mental health in order to try and keep that sense of family. It is hard to throw in the towel on something the world has convinced us we should deem important. That and familial peer pressure from the rest of the family is hard to ignore.