I finally got it running again. A cold snap finished off my Optima Red Top battery while I was working an overnight shift. Turns out, this was the beginning of a 7-day ordeal. I tried jump-starting it using my portable jump-starter... no dice. My buddy tried from his pickup. Still nothing. So he gave me a ride home, and the next day I bought a brand new Odyssey battery. I picked it up 2 days later, threw it in, and turned the key.... and nothing but a high pitched squeal. The engine wouldn’t turn over. Well s**t, it must be the starter, I thought to myself. It must not be engaging the flywheel. 2 days later, Amazon delivered a new one, and I threw it in and turned the key.... and still nothing but a high pitched squeal.
Then I started to panic. The alternator, ignition coil, and distributor cap/rotor are all 2-3 years old, and ostensibly shouldn’t be failing. A second coworker suggested that the engine might have seized based on the squealing noise. I was about “thisclose” to panicking when a third coworker told me to try to start it one more time. So I did... and it sputtered and died, which was more than it had done in the past 5 days. One more key turn, and it roars to life... and then the power steering pump starts squealing and smoking like mad, and then starts PS fluid starts pouring out all over the parking lot, so I shut it down. Looks like I found the problem!
I ordered a new pump, and installed it today with the help of a fourth coworker. After 5 hours, a crapload of Kroil (rust belt Jeeps are the worst!), a few dabs of antiseize, and 2 trips to the auto parts store, the Jeep is back in action! Oh, and no broken bolts!!
Also, I put the Mopar starter back in, and am keeping the Amazon one as a backup.