Really Mom?

[AndyG]

This post is not a complaint and it’s really not about changing anybody and it’s not about fixing anybody. I’m over that.

But it is a good story about the damage you can do under the guise of trying to help somebody.

Mom mother and her relationship with my oldest brother is beyond anything I have ever seen or heard of.

If you say anything she is just nearly combative. She’s got this.

I’ve watched his unbelievable self-destructive pattern go on for years.

I’ll never forget the night that I realized something was terribly wrong- I was 16 and he had got arrested and she was on the phone with the police and before the conversation was over she was cussing them.

When he was in prison for trying to kill my dad she built him a house.

I guess he’s been out 6 years- It has been the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

So here’s kind of what got me to this point to post this- She recently had a terrible fall and needs to have surgery on her leg.

She approached me about getting a vehicle so he could have something to go get groceries and that didn’t go real well and I suggested one of the food delivery services.

Keep in mind she caters to his every need and takes him food three days at a time so that he won’t turn around and sell it for dope.

She said “no that won’t work”

Why?

“ Well he usually won’t get up and come to the door”

OK, you mean to tell me he’s so sorry that if you buy his food he can’t get up and walk 15 feet to let the delivery person hand it to him? He’s that sorry?

All I can tell you is the more she has done the worse he has become.


She said a while back that he just needs somebody to encourage him and tell them they love him....No mom, what he needs to do is get off drugs and get a job and quit mooching off of you if you would let him.

It is sad to admit that one of my sisters biggest fears is mother passing away before him and she and I having to fend with him.



So the moral is enabling people does not help. Typically if somebody illustrates behavior that is so irresponsible that they need their basic needs catered to, They’re not going to be responsible with any help you can give them and anything you do is just going to free up their income to do stupid things.

Now to be fair about it I’m also getting my chance in my life to deal with a situation where an adult child (he’s not an adult til he acts like it ) is not wanting to grow up and face reality. This morning I invoked the “this is my house you’re going to do what I say as long as you live here rule.”

Lord give us all
Wisdom and grace.

I will add that some people may say I need to practice acceptance- Well I’ll do that to the point that I’ll let people be as stupid as they want to be...But I’m not going to like it and I’m not gonna keep my mouth shut and I am going to stand against it because it’s wrong. I’m never going to be OK with this junk. It produces some of the worst human beings I’ve ever seen.

Andy

 

[bucky]

Just focus on your life. It’s the only thing you can change. Your Mom and Brother will continue on their destructive path. Many of us have family demons that we have to deal with. I feel for you.

 

[Zorba]

My sister in law and her 33 yo son are similar, albeit about 3 orders of magnitude less. Even a stint in the Navy didn't straighten him out.

 

[AndyG]

My sister in law and her 33 yo son are similar, albeit about 3 orders of magnitude less. Even a stint in the Navy didn't straighten him out.

Zorba I’ve realized the bad thing about enabling is there is no point to stop and get off. The longer it goes the more vulnerable (and behind life’s curve) the recipient is- now my brother can’t make it without it (likely he can, she’s now afraid to find out). It starts small….washing their clothes and turns into cars and houses.

I was like…if he gets a house for trying to kill
dad, can I get camper trailer for slappin’ em around ? Geeze.

 

[suicideking]

Sorry about your brother and mother situation. I agree that supporting anyone like that, even once, is a bad idea. You're setting a precedent the first time, and making it worse every time you help. Then if you finally try to put your foot down, you're the bad guy.

 

[2001slvrstntj]

Hang in there, as mentioned many of us have family challenges we deal with. As they say, you can choose your friends but not your family. That is a mess for sure with no easy fix.

 

[AndyG]

Hang in there, as mentioned many of us have family challenges we deal with. As they say, you can choose your friends but not your family. That is a mess for sure with no easy fix.

Family is great- til you have one.

He actually sat at the Thanksgiving dinner table and talked non stop...following me as I got up to get seconds-

Keep in mind it is a monologue all
about himself -

“Man this is great. All my life I had to answer to people, now I do what I want to do, when I want, how I want...”

Sure, as long as mommy gives you the money.

He actually refers to himself as “retired” now. That is comical, retired from what? You haven’t done much in the past 45 years bro.

Thinks he’s burned out. He has never even been lit.

 

[freedom_in_4low]

There's one in every family I think. Maybe not every immediate family, but I can't believe that everybody in the US doesn't at least have a worthless deadbeat for an uncle or a cousin. I've got two cousins and one uncle, plus one that I don't have anymore (I've posted that story already...).

My parents have enabled some poor financial decision making on my brothers part, but he at least works hard and has skills. Fortunately they recognize it and to keep things fair, for every dollar they give him, they put one in an account that will go 100% to me instead of being split 50/50 in the will. It's not a life changing amount or endangering their retirement but it's a nice little safety net to know I have an extra $10k sitting in an account that isn't as easy as a few mouse clicks to get into.

 

[AndyG]

There's one in every family I think. Maybe not every immediate family, but I can't believe that everybody in the US doesn't at least have a worthless deadbeat for an uncle or a cousin. I've got two cousins and one uncle, plus one that I don't have anymore (I've posted that story already...).

My parents have enabled some poor financial decision making on my brothers part, but he at least works hard and has skills. Fortunately they recognize it and to keep things fair, for every dollar they give him, they put one in an account that will go 100% to me instead of being split 50/50 in the will. It's not a life changing amount or endangering their retirement but it's a nice little safety net to know I have an extra $10k sitting in an account that isn't as easy as a few mouse clicks to get into.

Yes, That at least keeps them conscious-

My mother would not dare give an accounting-

She’s worried about how things are going to shake out when she dies and she’s already spent more on him than we will ever see- I’m somewhere in the tune of $350,000.

Calls him “my child”. He is 62.

You guys need to look up Gilly and Reaves-Uncle Daycare.

You will die laughing.

 

[freedom_in_4low]

Yes, That at least keeps them conscious-

My mother would not dare give an accounting-

She’s worried about how things are going to shake out when she dies and she’s already spent more on him than we will ever see- I’m somewhere in the tune of $350,000.

Calls him “my child”. He is 62.

You guys need to look up Gilly and Reaves-Uncle Daycare.

You will die laughing.

My grandparents bought a cabin in the Rockies in 1964, and it was a major part of their children's and grandchildrens life. My grandpa paid for my uncle's 3 divorces, and he's a stubborn ass so they were all expensive. My grandma is a tough and stoic woman and that didn't sit right with her so she updated their will to leave the cabin to her other two kids and leave him out (he still gets a third of the other assets). He has traumatic brain injury from a motorcycle wreck in the 90s and has lived with her for most of the last 20 years except for a couple years where he lived at the cabin in such filth they had to tear it down to studs so anybody could use it again. He's been told he doesn't get any part of the cabin but he still tells people he's gonna go live there when my grandma passes away. We all expect her to outlive him though; he lives on the couch and smokes a pack plus a day, can't climb a flight of stairs without taking 3 breaks to catch his breath, and has a spot on his back that is probably melanoma but he won't go to the doctor because he doesn't want to be treated.

My grandma is 97.

 

[P man]

Family is way over rated..I keep a very small circle and that includes my family.

 

[AndyG]

Sorry about your brother and mother situation. I agree that supporting anyone like that, even once, is a bad idea. You're setting a precedent the first time, and making it worse every time you help. Then if you finally try to put your foot down, you're the bad guy.

One thing I realized is it creates a false reality- It isolates the person from the way life really works and then if anything changes they don’t have the skills and habits and discipline they need to handle the rigors of every day life. Everything that is normal to us is totally foreign to them.

And another thing is it creates a condition that psychologist call learned helplessness.

This is why a pike won’t eat minnows after his mouth is free that was wired shut.

 

[suicideking]

One thing I realized is it creates a false reality- It isolates the person from the way life really works and then if anything changes they don’t have the skills and habits and discipline they need to handle the rigors of every day life. Everything that is normal to us is totally foreign to them.

And another thing is it creates a condition that psychologist call learned helplessness.

This is why a pike won’t eat minnows after his mouth is free that was wired shut.

Also the illusion that you're helping the person. You can't convince someone to go to rehab. They have to want it more than anything or it's not going to work. Change will not happen unless they decide for themselves to clean up their life.

Compare it to homeless people. There are free shelters available. The issue is that the homeless don't want to go somewhere that isn't going to let them use their substances.

 

[AndyG]

Also the illusion that you're helping the person. You can't convince someone to go to rehab. They have to want it more than anything or it's not going to work. Change will not happen unless they decide for themselves to clean up their life.

Compare it to homeless people. There are free shelters available. The issue is that the homeless don't want to go somewhere that isn't going to let them use their substances.

Nailed it.

People get an emotional lift from the perception of helping.

Kills me when they can’t see it doesn’t work.

Mom would sell her soul to “save him”. The lies mom tells herself are sad.

I even have an email where she said she “has to save him and it will cost a lot of money”

No mom, you give that shrink or clinic your son and 50,000 dollars and he will come back in 12 weeks the same with a better haircut. We can do that at Fantastic Sams for $20.

The house she built in a drug hole was crazy- I told her when he got out- rent him a place, maybe pay for 90 days and tell him he is own his own.

Nope.

 

[Westtown Willy]

He actually refers to himself as “retired” now. That is comical, retired from what? You haven’t done much in the past 45 years bro.

Thinks he’s burned out. He has never even been lit.

reminds me of the old saying he was 'born on 3rd & thinks he hit a triple', delusion comes in all shapes & sizes & what's often obvious to the rest of us often eludes those afflicted.

The constant enabling does more harm than good, the world is jam-packed with examples of this, particularly in the US, and yet we continue to double down on it thinking somehow it's going to work. Doesn't work for the individual troubled kid in the family setting, doesn't work for the population in the government setting, it simply doesn't work, period. Give a man a fish...

If people and governments would just accept this reality the condition of the world would improve greatly over time, following of course an epic level of abject chaos

 

[AndyG]

reminds me of the old saying he was 'born on 3rd & thinks he hit a triple', delusion comes in all shapes & sizes & what's often obvious to the rest of us often eludes those afflicted.

The constant enabling does more harm than good, the world is jam-packed with examples of this, particularly in the US, and yet we continue to double down on it thinking somehow it's going to work. Doesn't work for the individual troubled kid in the family setting, doesn't work for the population in the government setting, it simply doesn't work, period. Give a man a fish...

If people and governments would just accept this reality the condition of the world would improve greatly over time, following of course an epic level of abject chaos

Awesome post.

 

[Apparition]

reminds me of the old saying he was 'born on 3rd & thinks he hit a triple', delusion comes in all shapes & sizes & what's often obvious to the rest of us often eludes those afflicted.

The constant enabling does more harm than good, the world is jam-packed with examples of this, particularly in the US, and yet we continue to double down on it thinking somehow it's going to work. Doesn't work for the individual troubled kid in the family setting, doesn't work for the population in the government setting, it simply doesn't work, period. Give a man a fish...

If people and governments would just accept this reality the condition of the world would improve greatly over time, following of course an epic level of abject chaos

I've not heard that saying before, I wanted to inform you I'm stealing it for my own personal use.

 

[AndyG]

I've not heard that saying before, I wanted to inform you I'm stealing it for my own personal use.

Same here I’ve already been using it

Being on here makes me think I’m witty and a Jeep expert.....more delusional thinking we all need ......

 

[Rickyd]

@AndyG, set healthy boundaries.make them as extreme as they need to be so your happiness and well-being aren't affected. Don't let your feelings come into play there. Then just let the situation go down the toilet. Life is too short.

 

[AndyG]

@AndyG, set healthy boundaries.make them as extreme as they need to be so your happiness and well-being aren't affected. Don't let your feelings come into play there. Then just let the situation go down the toilet. Life is too short.

Well like the top of my post says it’s not anything that I’m going to fix or change- When it comes to her you can’t touch this with a 10 foot pole.

But it’s pretty sickening to watch