Share your fun and funny life stories with us

"just don't move, their eyesight is based on movement"

Oh, how many times we wished that were true!!!
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My current position is salaried. But the end of year bonus (which can be pretty healthy) is based on hrs you work above 2,080. Which is probably pretty standard I guess. Over the course of a year, my average might be 45 hrs. But within that year, I might have a couple 60 hr weeks. Its a balancing act.

All the salaried positions I worked, there was only one that paid a bonus. That company furloughed me 4 weeks(one week per quarter), but gave out a 5 day bonus. My math says 4 weeks without pay is more than 5 days pay. I left that company shortly thereafter.
 
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Ok. Carry on. I'm good. :)
 
My tongue is bleeding. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed.

Ok. Carry on. I'm good. :)

WTF? :LOL::LOL::LOL:
 
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My tongue is bleeding. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed. I will not keep this thread derailed.

Ok. Carry on. I'm good. :)

Sab relapsing to Middle School punishment on the blackboard!
 
Okay, so I may have shared this on another thread, so if'n you've already heard it before, my apologies for my old man memory. ;)

Years ago, I was driving my WTO car (White Trash Oldsmobile). It was a '77 Olds 98 Regency 2-door. No hubcaps, a porous silver paint job., and a windshield that had a rather large caved-in section near the base where a sizable rock had tried to gain entry at about 40 mph. Anyways, I'm heading southbound on I-5 when a state trooper pulls me over. He walks up to the driver's door (my window is down) and asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Not really, but I'd guess it's because of the broken windshield."
Trooper: "Yes. It impairs your line of vision."
Me: "Well, actually it doesn't. You see, the large crack running along the base of the windshield is, from where I'm sitting, in line with the front edge of the hood. In fact, from here, the crack only appears within the view of my hood, and not the road. Additionally, the large break where the rock hit actually perfectly aligns with the hood ornament, so there's no distraction there."
Trooper: "So this doesn't bother you?"
Me: "Not at all."

The trooper then leans his head and shoulders completely inside my car, his head perfectly placed in front of my face, and he proceeds to look out of the windshield for several seconds. He then withdraws, asks for my license, insurance and registration, and then heads back to his cruiser with said papers. Upon returning, he leans back into my car and again looks through the windshield for several seconds before withdrawing from my vehicle.

Trooper: "You've never been pulled over for this?"
Me: "Nope. To your credit, you're the first. And honestly, if you issue me a fix-it ticket, I'll just scrap the car, as a windshield replacement will cost more than the car is worth to me."
Trooper: "What? Well, that would be a shame."
Me: "It's what I'd do. I'm not going to put any more money into this thing. It's just a beater commuter car."
Trooper: "So, you've never been pulled over for this before..."
Me: Nope."
Trooper: "And the windshield damage doesn't bother you at all?"
Me: "Not at all."
Trooper: "Well, if it doesn't bother you, then it doesn't bother me. Have a good day!"

And with that, we both went on our way.
Civility and common sense for the win! ;)
 
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I just thought of another one. I went to college in downtown Milwaukee in the 80s. One Friday or Saturday night, some buddies and I decided to head over to the Marquette University campus for a change of pace (I went to another school nearby). About 2am, bars closed, and we decide to head back to our campus. We're all three sheets to the wind from a night spent tavern-hopping. As we exit the tavern we last patronized, I rounded a corner, and there's a bum (sorry, that's what we called them then) standing in a doorway.

We make eye contact, and he slurs, "Heeeeyyyy, budddyy, can you shpare shome change?" I looked him in the eye and slurred back, "Friend, <hiccup>, I'm a poor college shtudent and I shpent all my money in dat tavern over dare. Sorry, I can't help you out thish evening." I figured that was that and turned to walk away. He waited until my friends, who kept walking when I engaged, were a few paces ahead, then he grabbed my elbow, slid his hand down to my hand, flipped my wrist palm up, and shoved four bits with his other hand into my mitt, saying, 'I think thish'll be more usheful to you than me. Good luck in school!"

When I caught up to my friends and told them I just got half a buck from a bum, they couldn't believe it! Keep in mind, at the low rent taverns in Milwaukee in the 80s, that could get you two tappers, so it was a haul for a poor college kid.
 
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I just thought of another one. I went to college in downtown Milwaukee in the 80s. One Friday or Saturday night, some buddies and I decided to head over to the Marquette University campus for a change of pace (I went to another school nearby). About 2am, bars closed, and we decide to head back to our campus. We're all three sheets to the wind from a night spent tavern-hopping. As we exit the tavern we last patronized, I rounded a corner, and there's a bum (sorry, that's what we called them then) standing in a doorway.

We make eye contact, and he slurs, "Heeeeyyyy, budddyy, can you shpare shome change?" I looked him in the eye and slurred back, "Friend, <hiccup>, I'm a poor college shtudent and I shpent all my money in dat tavern over dare. Sorry, I can't help you out thish evening." I figured that was that and turned to walk away. He waited until my friends, who kept walking when I engaged, were a few paces ahead, then he grabbed my elbow, slid his hand down to my hand, flipped my wrist palm up, and shoved four bits with his other hand into my mitt, saying, 'I think thish'll be more usheful to you than me. Good luck in school!"

When I caught up to my friends and told them I just got half a buck from a bum, they couldn't believe it! Keep in mind, at the low rent taverns in Milwaukee in the 80s, that could get you two tappers, so it was a haul for poor college kid.

That reminded me of this little story from about twenty years ago...

I had pulled into the QFC (grocery store) parking lot and parked in one of the end stalls, which had a couple of nice shrubs planted off to the side of it. As I got out of my truck, I found an unopened 16 ounce can of Budweiser laying near the shrubs. I grabbed it up and tossed it onto the seat and went inside to shop. When I came back out to the truck, a rather disheveled looking older gent approached me and asked if I had any change, or maybe a cigarette. I told him I had neither. He then held up a rather dirty bandaged-wrapped hand and said that he had hurt it pretty bad, and could just use some help. I told him, "Tell ya what, I got something here that you might enjoy more than I would.", and I reached in, grabbed the lone can of beer, and handed it to him. He stared at it for a moment, and then cradling it with both hands, looked toward the sky and said, "Thank you, Jesus!" It was funny and sad all at the same time, but I did drive away knowing that I had made his day. ;)
 
Well, trying to work on some training with my dogs earlier reminded me of a funny little event. No life lessons from it, but funny for me in the moment. Years ago we had a large pug named Henry who was "food motivated", and that's a hell of an understatement. This dog would do damn near anything for a snack. He couldn't swim well and didn't like water, but I once watched him fall in my pool because he was so focused on the burger in my hand. Life or death, he wanted a bite. I know he would have traded me off for a bite of that burger if given the opportunity. If I had fallen in the pool and was drowning, he would have saved the burger, not me. Fatass even slept near his bowl. :sneaky:

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Anyways, I had two other dogs at the time, a smaller pug and 75ish pound pitbull. One day I was giving them their monthly round of heartworm preventative. I cramed it down the little ones throat because she's a fighter. I give Henry his in a cautious manner so I can keep my fingers. :sneaky: Then as I'm handing my big dog his I drop it, Henry panicked and like a snapping turtle his head snaps out and I think he caught it before it hit the ground. I see it, drop down and grab him by his head before he could swallow it and overdose. We spent the next 2-3 minutes fighting like hell trying to pry his mouth open and get it back. That little sum bitch put up a hell of a fight tryin to keep his snack. :LOL:

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