OP
What did I do wrong this time?
- Thread starter AndyG
- Start date
How far could you go with zero contact with any family of any kind? Give that some thought and see if it is as good as you want it to be. Knowing that you can't reach out and just get in touch with family is not as much fun as it sounds.
I like being somewhere in the middle but i think your situation is probably healthier than the opposite. I know people that have basically zero contact outside of their (large) family. Beyond the codependence issues and the same drama you mention of people tolerating BS above and beyond, it creates an echo chamber with a lack of intellectual diversity so they don't even realize they're all weirdos. Just like a lack of genetic diversity is harmful to a population, so is a lack of diversity in thought.
I recall years ago that I witnessed my dad say something to my grandmother that I'll never forget. I don't even remember why he said it or what the circumstances were but it sticks with me.
He told her "this is my family now" in reference to my mom, myself and my sister.
The point being he's gonna take care of his family first. If he was going to deal with anyone, including grandma, outside of his family so be it but it was not critical to him, if it works it works if not he'd move on.
OP
Yes I’m with you and I have thought about that and I realize there is a special connection sometimes because of shared experiences or sometimes it’s just that we’re so much alike- I have an uncle and it’s almost like we have telepathy. That is kind of cool I figure it is probably what some twins experience maybe.
It’s hard to live with people and impossible to live without them practically it seems.
I also keep asking myself do I have some kind of huge blind spot here. Maybe my bushings are getting soft
OP
Well the beauty of that is a good man protects his territory.
Your home and property and your wife and children and then their welfare should all be high priority- That even extends to how you treat your job because that job benefits them- And how you treat your body because your energy gives them life too.
I don’t know what transpired to get him to say that but my hat is off. He had his priorities right in my opinion.
@AndyG I always enjoy the topics you bring to the table and this one is no different. I remember being younger and thinking family was everything and would always be there for me no matter what.
Then I found out that only happens in hallmark movies and the reality is for every family member there for you there is 5 or 6 that aren't interested.
I am close with my parents but that's where my trust stops. I don't do business, ask for help or do favors for any other family members and I don't ask for anything either. I live my own life.
I am grateful my parents have a will in place but am not looking forward to the day they pass for obvious reasons but one being dealing with family who are greedy and see someone's passing as a free for all.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this but there's alot of us in the same boat one way or the other. Please remember iron sharpens iron and family isn't about blood.
Perhaps. I suspect that if I had never been around any good family then I wouldn't have a baseline to compare. I have though and the desire to recreate that against all sound logic is at times very intense. We get through it and manage just fine but there are times around the holidays and whatnot that can be difficult to deal with.
My problem with diversity in thought is we do NOT have to think alike to be friends. We do however need to have conversations and interactions other than you trying to prove me wrong at every single step. Tell me what you think, not ask a question and then quote 50 assholes on the internet you'd rather believe anyway.
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OP
That brings to mind I have always been leery of nepotism- For the most part we would buy material cash and carry just do not have conflict with any of the workmanship or service.
Mainly their location and me having all the contacts was probably the most attractive thing because they’re almost walking distance from where I tend to operate.
But back on track I am totally in agreement to really avoid business with family and I extend that same thought process generally to close acquaintances and family friends and people I go to church with- If you do a job for someone like that that will be the job that something crazy happens. Every time.
OP
Well I’m talking about beyond the fact that I was not paying attention to a behavior pattern that has existed for decades- Do I have some kind of high and mighty standard that I think is the way to do things and I am missing something. It likely may be a question I’m asking myself that only I can answer- But I’m asking myself Am I right or do I just think I’m right And is there something here that I’m not seeing. This gets over into just analyzing it to death.
@mrblaine - you keep making fantastic posts like this and you're gonna lose your asshole credentials! 
If it helps @AndyG any: I was *VERY* close to my parents growing up, right until I left home and got married. Then my mother's dark side came out - Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it, so very long story short: I cut them both off in Y2K after years of trying EVERYTHING to make it work. My mother raged, and raged against the new boundary, but I didn't give in. IT HURT LIKE HELL! About 2005, she called me out of the blue at work. When she didn't hear what she wanted to hear, she told my father that I'd called her and blah, blah, blah. She kept on sending me raging emails, then died in mid 2009, and my father and I were reconciled late that year.
I'm still pissed at her, although I'm slowly working through it. I do *NOT* want her awaiting me "at the pearly gates" when I pass through the veil. I don't bear her any ill will anymore, but "May the Goddess Bless and Keep her.... FAR away from me!"
Now it looks like my wife is going through the same kind of thing with her sibling.
If it helps @AndyG any: I was *VERY* close to my parents growing up, right until I left home and got married. Then my mother's dark side came out - Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it, so very long story short: I cut them both off in Y2K after years of trying EVERYTHING to make it work. My mother raged, and raged against the new boundary, but I didn't give in. IT HURT LIKE HELL! About 2005, she called me out of the blue at work. When she didn't hear what she wanted to hear, she told my father that I'd called her and blah, blah, blah. She kept on sending me raging emails, then died in mid 2009, and my father and I were reconciled late that year.
I'm still pissed at her, although I'm slowly working through it. I do *NOT* want her awaiting me "at the pearly gates" when I pass through the veil. I don't bear her any ill will anymore, but "May the Goddess Bless and Keep her.... FAR away from me!"
Now it looks like my wife is going through the same kind of thing with her sibling.
OP
@mrblaine - you keep making fantastic posts like this and you're gonna lose your asshole credentials!
If it helps @AndyG any: I was *VERY* close to my parents growing up, right until I left home and got married. Then my mother's dark side came out - Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it, so very long story short: I cut them both off in Y2K after years of trying EVERYTHING to make it work. My mother raged, and raged against the new boundary, but I didn't give in. IT HURT LIKE HELL! About 2005, she called me out of the blue at work. When she didn't hear what she wanted to hear, she told my father that I'd called her and blah, blah, blah. She kept on sending me raging emails, then died in mid 2009, and my father and I were reconciled late that year.
I'm still pissed at her, although I'm slowly working through it. I do *NOT* want her awaiting me "at the pearly gates" when I pass through the veil. I don't bear her any ill will anymore, but "May the Goddess Bless and Keep her.... FAR away from me!"
Now it looks like my wife is going through the same kind of thing with her sibling.
It is just unbelievable what we put each other through in our lives And refer to them as “loved ones”
I’ve decided my family tradition is to make everybody miserable all your life and then you have a stroke and last about 10 years just to show everybody that things could’ve been a lot worse.
Blaine could be a counselor, no joke.
I’m going to go on a big tangent here but I’m gonna say something about several of the people on here that is obvious and it is factual-
It is a known fact that people with good vocabularies turn on average 20% more. If anyone would stop and think about that over the course of a lifetime and maybe even throw in compound interest- It is one of the most powerful things you can think of.
I really do appreciate the fact that we have some people on here that have some things worth saying and worth listening too and they know how to articulate it. Not bad for a jeep forum.
I could probably recommend a number of good books my wife has read that deal with family and how they can be incredibly toxic in your journey through life. My wife’s family is the worst of the worst. She’s found some seriously good books that have helped her tremendously in this regard.
You don't need a book to understand that you were not put here to be mistreated by anyone. You also don't need a book to understand you simply do not have the horsepower to change how others treat you, you can only change how much you are willing to tolerate it.
I guess you do when you were raped, molested, and taught to always believe things were your fault. You and I may not need that book, but to some it’s helpful.
Her mother, father, sister, and brother are just human garbage. She has a hard time pulling away from them but she’s gotten a lot better this past year.
I’m built differently than she is. When my dad was acting like a piece of crap I stopped talking to him and didn’t speak to him for 10 years, not a single word. It wasn’t until 3 years before he died that we made amends. Even then, things were never the same after that.
I have no problem writing off people like that, even if they are family. This is just conjecture and probably anecdotal at best, but I feel like this may be harder for women.
That's an entirely different book than the one about dealing with scum who happen to be related.
Good luck, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to teach her that just because someone is family and you want them to love you, that does not give them the right to mistreat you. She will spend inordinate amounts of time doing things with and for them to garner favor in the unfulfillable hope that will translate to love somehow.
It isn't harder for women unless Andy has been pulling our leg about his gender. His struggle is just as difficult as your wife's.
There's one making the rounds in Christian circles called something like "How to Forgive when you can't forget". The main take-away most readers i know have had is that forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation. You can let go of the pain or the anger or whatever you feel for how they treated you, and move on without the burden of unforgiveness, without letting them back into your life.
This is sadly accurate
The best you can hope for is the person finds indifference, both love and hate carry emotion.
OP
Now I’m even more confused. Zorba, if I end up in pumps or something before this is over I’m blaming you.