Dad Jokes

[mxz800]

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker.

But I think she's bluffing.

Why don't crabs give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.

I don’t know why she’s mad at me.

 

[mxz800]

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

[NWPA Jeepy T]

Mexicans cut their pizza with Little Caesar's

 

[P man]

These are awesome please keep them coming

 

[72afr]

Just wait until they start with the No arm, no legs jokes...

 

[mxz800]

Just wait until they start with the No arm, no legs jokes...

Can little Billy come out to play?

You know Billy doesn't have arms or legs.

I know we need a third base.

 

[72afr]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs....

in a pile of leaves?
- Russell

on a wall?
- Art

on your porch?
- Matt

in your pool?
- Bob

 

[mxz800]

How about Mommy Mommy jokes?

Mommy Mommy I'm 14 when can I wear a bra?

Just go play baseball with the other boys.

Mommy Mommy I don't want to see grandpa.

Just keep digging.

 

[NWPA Jeepy T]

This went from fad jokes to 14-year-old-me jokes

 

[DK-RESTO]

what do you call a bear with no teeth?

a gummy bear


After a fight with the wife last night I switched the labels of some spices at home. she hasn't found out yet but her thyme is cumin

 

[Michigan TJ]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

 

[Modoc Guy]

What did the Indian say when his dog fell off a cliff?

Dog gone.

 

[Modoc Guy]

How do you catch an elephant?

One way is, take a telescope, look through it backwards at the elephant, pick up the elephant with a pair of tweezers, then drop him in a milk bottle.

The other way is, get a shovel, go outside, dig a big deep hole, put a bunch of wood in the hole and light it on fire, let it burn until it’s all ash, go get a can of green peas, open it and make a line of peas all the way around the hole.
Then, when the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

 

[B252]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs....

in a pile of leaves?
- Russell

on a wall?
- Art

on your porch?
- Matt

in your pool?
- Bob

In a hole?
Phil

 

[B252]

I had a english teacher on the first day of school introduced her Kids so "we can get all the jokes over with".
Her name was Mrs. Dover.
Her kids:
Ben
Stan
And Eileen

 

[Modoc Guy]

If you’re a Russian going into the bathroom, and an American leaving the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European!

 

[Jpodell]

Did you know that if you flip a canoe you can wear it like a hat?

Because it is capsized.

 

[1o1proof]

What did the dog say when he walked into the bar...

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

 

[NWPA Jeepy T]

True story:
We took a walk down by the creek yesterday. I saw this little 6 legged spider. It looked pretty rough. He really looked like he was on his last leg.

This really happened yesterday - my son actually came up with the joke

 

[Mike_H]

At the Urinal:

"I hear this is where all the Dick's hang out"