What would you have told her?

[Rickyd]

Yes it’s been pretty frustrating over the years because she knows we don’t approve and she only tells us what we want to hear and tries to convince us that he’s really OK and we are watching her spend money like a drunken sailor on him.

Yesterday she said she was in the area when we got out of church and that turned out to be what I thought, she was out our way looking for a property for him.

Bless her heart she doesn’t even realize he knows people in his hometown and he’s just going to get in trouble even quicker.

There’s no question that relocating him is not the answer for anything- he’s going to take the problem with him when he goes.

I’m like “look here train wreck -this ain’t your station”

Let me say a little bit about enabling- It’s really good for some things to just not ever get started. I understand bailing a 16-year-old out one time-maybe twice at most.

To the enabler what it looks like is a grandiose means of caring and helping.

To the enabled what it looks like is a free ride.

The worst thing you can do for somebody that makes bad choices is take care of all their basic needs- Then they are not forced to work to survive-

One time she told me she didn’t buy him drugs or alcohol. I said mom do you not realize when you pay for everything else that you’re making it easier for him to spring for that junk.

“ I never thought about it that way”

Well, you should have - -about 30 years ago- and stopped.

You know the thing that amazes me is the level that this is not working at- And of course it never has.

And here she is out with her last $50,000 cash looking to repeat the same thing she just did with a few hundred thousand dollars that he has ruined.

And to answer the question will I go check on my brother if she settles him up our way-
I seriously doubt it. You never know when you’re going to walk into a situation like that and end up with a bullet in the head just being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

A long time ago I stopped in on a friends brother to check up on them.they had been tweeking for a while and went dark.
When I got there his skinny dog was chained up soaking wet out in a rainstorm. I let the dog in and fed it after knocking and calling out loudly.called out loudly after coming in too.
As I was feeding the dog the tweeking crackhead comes out,loads a rifle and points it at my head despite knowing I was there,why,and what I was doing. After taking way too long to lower it he said some shit about wanting to catch his girlfriend cheating.

I never went back and could care less what he's doing these days...

 

[AndyG]

A long time ago I stopped in on a friends brother to check up on them.they had been tweeking for a while and went dark.
When I got there his skinny dog was chained up soaking wet out in a rainstorm. I let the dog in and fed it after knocking and calling out loudly.called out loudly after coming in too.
As I was feeding the dog the tweeking crackhead comes out,loads a rifle and points it at my head despite knowing I was there,why,and what I was doing. After taking way too long to lower it he said some shit about wanting to catch his girlfriend cheating.

I never went back and could care less what he's doing these days...

Lord bless man. Exactly what I mean. Exactly.

 

[DuckNut]

Andy,
You need to step in and take control over the entire situation. He will not be a better person from his stint but he will have learned more about how to control someone. When he gets out he is going to be even worse because jail is no longer punishment but just a time out. The situation is going to escalate and eventually someone is going to get hurt physically, mentally or financially.

However you can do it, get your mother on your side and go to an attorney and take control of her money before he steals it and she is wiped out.

You seem to have a level head and this needs to be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Tell her whatever she needs to hear and own it.

Thankfully I have not been in this situation but I know what I would do if this were my family.

 

[AndyG]

Andy,
You need to step in and take control over the entire situation. He will not be a better person from his stint but he will have learned more about how to control someone. When he gets out he is going to be even worse because jail is no longer punishment but just a time out. The situation is going to escalate and eventually someone is going to get hurt physically, mentally or financially.

However you can do it, get your mother on your side and go to an attorney and take control of her money before he steals it and she is wiped out.

You seem to have a level head and this needs to be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Tell her whatever she needs to hear and own it.

Thankfully I have not been in this situation but I know what I would do if this were my family.

Her real money is in an ironclad trust- She can’t touch it. The truth is he would not have to steal a dime she would spend every penny trying to fix him if she could get to it.


This is a woman that would get combative whenever we stood against this- Now she’s got her self backed into a corner and she’s trying to figure out how to get him out of jail and keep him away from her -At the same time she still wants to care for his every need. Even at this point if you make her stop she’ll go behind your back and help him.





she has already done a decent amount of financial damage

Luckily she seems to think proportionately- She looks at this as if she’s giving him his inheritance early

I think realistically she knows that he won’t be around for a normal one

Really we’ve got a bigger problem in regard to what you’re talking about- She’s got a new boyfriend and he’s younger than her and it appears a little bit funny to us that his motivations may not be for the best reasons.

Along the same topic let me tell you what she was going to do a while back to defeat the trust- She was left a house worth about half $1 million on a golf course that will be left to me and my sister at her death- And one of the caveats is that my brother is not to live there or benefit from the house or trust-


In the will she can sell the house as long as she purchases another house for HER to live in-and any gain is returned to the trust.

She was going to sell that house and buy another piece of property in order to put my brother on the new piece of property she planned to buy -

The idea was actually so good I’m pretty sure she did not come up with it.

The news today is she’s got a buyer for the property that she purchased for my brother when he was in prison and she thinks that is going to be the alternate way to relocate him.

I guarantee if history doesn’t repeat itself it will sure rhyme.

 

[DuckNut]

Her real money is in an ironclad trust- She can’t touch it. The truth is he would not have to steal a dime she would spend every penny trying to fix him if she could get to it.


This is a woman that would get combative whenever we stood against this- Now she’s got her self backed into a corner and she’s trying to figure out how to get him out of jail and keep him away from her -At the same time she still wants to care for his every need. Even at this point if you make her stop she’ll go behind your back and help him.





she has already done a decent amount of financial damage

Luckily she seems to think proportionately- She looks at this as if she’s giving him his inheritance early

I think realistically she knows that he won’t be around for a normal one

Really we’ve got a bigger problem in regard to what you’re talking about- She’s got a new boyfriend and he’s younger than her and it appears a little bit funny to us that his motivations may not be for the best reasons.

Along the same topic let me tell you what she was going to do a while back to defeat the trust- She was left a house worth about half $1 million on a golf course that will be left to me and my sister at her death- And one of the caveats is that my brother is not to live there or benefit from the house or trust-


In the will she can sell the house as long as she purchases another house for HER to live in-and any gain is returned to the trust.

She was going to sell that house and buy another piece of property in order to put my brother on the new piece of property she planned to buy -

The idea was actually so good I’m pretty sure she did not come up with it.

The news today is she’s got a buyer for the property that she purchased for my brother when he was in prison and she thinks that is going to be the alternate way to relocate him.

I guarantee if history doesn’t repeat itself it will sure rhyme.

Between the family issues and the employee troubles, God sure is testing you. I know me and I would not be a calm gentleman with this type of drama. I can handle condition chaos but I do not do well with mental short comings. The proverbial bull in a china shop would look like a baby sleeping if I had to handle it.

Keep tabs on your mom and ship your brother to a single side in Missouri.

 

[AndyG]

Between the family issues and the employee troubles, God sure is testing you. I know me and I would not be a calm gentleman with this type of drama. I can handle condition chaos but I do not do well with mental short comings. The proverbial bull in a china shop would look like a baby sleeping if I had to handle it.

Keep tabs on your mom and ship your brother to a single side in Missouri.

Yes I’m keeping close to the situation .

After the $40,000 loss by long a time associate who abandoned a project.... I was silly enough to think that I had about all I could take.

You know I think we don’t know how deep our reserves are-

And the key I think is to keep a clear head and not let emotions take over completely and try to navigate these things the best we can.

It’s kind of disgusting to go through hard things that really never should’ve happened.

 

[LJ owner]

One cannot push a rope, rehab only has a chance of working if the participant really wants it to. Good friend of mine finally got tough love for his kid and let him hit bottom. They either need to be so uncomfortable they never want to go back or find religion. Very Sad scenario but compassion many times ends up enabling. Smart to stay away unless there was a serious change of behavior.

 

[JEEPSTEVENANAIMO]

i couldnt even imagine a parent like that. in my family you re out at 18 and thats it. no birthday pressents no christmas. nothing. no money no help. youre an adult and you deal with it on your own.

this is mind blowing to me.

 

[Chris]

My mother-in-law perpetually enables my heroin addicted sister-in-law.

It's sad to watch but after well over a decade of watching it I've learned that both of them are going to have to figure it out the hard way. All we can do is pray for them (and we do).

My wife and I have come to the realization that the only way she's ever going to kick this heroin addiction is finding Christ or death. Her mother refuses to let her hit rock bottom which is unfortunate.

 

[AndyG]

Thank you guys for keeping this
alive and I wanted to give you an update- pic is fairly current.

Last week he got sprung out of jail by one of his accomplices and rather than take my advice and put him in a hotel for about a week and wash her hands of it she moved him into her home , at a lakeside golf course subdivision.

She currently lives with her boyfriend 15 miles away who would love to travel and do things with her, he’s a pretty nice guy and he is trying to help her figure out how to get rid of this baggage.

The house is in a trust and it goes to my sister and myself and his other daughter at moms’ death.

Not cool. It is strictly a violation of the terms of the trust and of the intentions of the deceased husband who established all this.

Now I want to interject. One time I was talking to Blaine and I came to the quick realization that it is as foolish for me to try to fix her as it is for her to try to fix him. Even though I have a duty to protect her I am just as guilty of trying to control someone as she is if I get too involved.


I told my sister today if he lays a hand on her I will bring in the department of human resources and get him out of the house and away from her with a charge of elderly abuse.

Every single time we go through an episode with him she gets a fixation as to whatever the problem or the cure is at that given time. For a long time it was a chemical imbalance. Technically she was probably correct.

Then it was bipolar. The earth is bipolar.

Then it was depression.

Then autism.

Then aspergers.


So right now her fixation is he’s going to go to rehab.

So I went down to the house to measure the garage because I’m thinking of using it to store something and she was there and had him come out at 1 pm
in pajamas, and she announced to me proudly that he had made the decision to go to rehab....ain’t that right “huwan”.

He said ‘“ uh no, I’m not.”

It was absolutely something to see.

She started walking around like a little banty rooster, saying “you can stay here if you don’t do this blah blah blah. “

....so really the bottom line is she’s just not thinking of what he really wants. Like the above post says about pushing a rope, You might as well take a torch to the money to pay for rehab because if he doesn’t want to be clean it’s not going to do any good. At all.

The ultimate problem here is she is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior.

His behavior made him completely unwelcome in the area where she built him a house so she’s fixing that problem.

She pays his restitution for trying to burn down dads house with him in it.

She takes care of everything.

She likes to talk about his problems but she doesn’t realize he doesn’t have any problems. She does. She needs to give them back to him and walk away.

Yes it bothers me and what really eats my lunch is she is extenuating the situation so here we are at age 64 still dealing with this garbage.

If she had I’ve handled this correctly years ago he likely would have got out and been homeless and after sleeping behind a cold dumpster and eating out of the garbage can a few times realize that he could do better and the pain would make him willing to make the sacrifices needed to change. Pain is the teacher.

Now her dream is for
him being willing to go to rehab....so let me ask this - why?

His drug problem is not causing him any pain- he’s living in a nicer house than I am and has every bill paid and free food and hangs out and watches cable television all day. Why blow that?

If you get close to her you will realize her biggest fear is that he will be homeless and she would have to witness that.

She doesn’t realize right now that him being homeless is pretty much a goal of mine.

I have no problem whatsoever making it as hard as possible for somebody to live the way they are living if they are living wrong.

Chris made a good statement- there is beautiful answer.

God can deliver him. At 26, I didn’t really look a lot different from that picture and God woke me up and showed me what I was. And put me around people that showed me what I could be.

I don’t say a lot about it here but I have very strong religious convictions. I do think people have sensed that over time here.

And no I’m not ashamed ....I don’t say much on here because I prefer to let my actions prove out.

He can do something positive with whatever time he has left- anybody can. This life is not about what we can do, it is about what we WILL do.

I would love to get mom on Dr. Phil. Good Lord he would get a rise out of her level of enabling-

“ Ma’am are you telling me you had a contractor build him a complete house when he was in prison?” ....” How’s that working for you now?”

What he’s going to do from here on is sit there and talk about rehab enough to keep a roof over his head and keep playing her.

She mentioned yesterday how smart he was. I guess he is smart- he’s living off of an 83 year old great grandmother.....

 

[ColoJeep]

Thank you guys for keeping this
alive and I wanted to give you an update- pic is fairly current.

View attachment 599072

Last week he got sprung out of jail by one of his accomplices and rather than take my advice and put him in a hotel for about a week and wash her hands of it she moved him into her home , at a lakeside golf course subdivision.

She currently lives with her boyfriend 15 miles away who would love to travel and do things with her, he’s a pretty nice guy and he is trying to help her figure out how to get rid of this baggage.

The house is in a trust and it goes to my sister and myself and his other daughter at moms’ death.

Not cool. It is strictly a violation of the terms of the trust and of the intentions of the deceased husband who established all this.

Now I want to interject. One time I was talking to Blaine and I came to the quick realization that it is foolish for me to try to fix her as it is for her to try to fix him. Even though I have a duty to protect her I am just as guilty I was trying to control someone as she is if I get too involved.


I told my sister today if he lays a hand on her I will bring in the department of human resources and get him out of the house and away from her with a charge of elderly abuse.

Every single time we go through an episode with him she gets a fixation as to whatever the problem or the cure is at that given time. For a long time it was a chemical imbalance. Technically she was probably correct.

Then it was bipolar. The earth is bipolar.

Then it was depression.

Then autism.

Then aspergers.


So right now her fixation is he’s going to go to rehab.

So I went down the house to measure the garage because I’m thinking of using it the store something and she was there and had him come out at 1 pm
in pajamas, and she announced to me proudly that he had made the decision to go to rehab....ain’t that right “huwan”.

He said ‘“ uh no, I’m not.”

It was absolutely something to see.

She started walking around like a little banty rooster, saying “you can stay here if you don’t do this blah blah blah. “

....so really the bottom line is she’s just not thinking of what he really wants. Like the above post says about pushing a rope, You might as well take a torch to the money to pay for rehab because if he doesn’t want to be clean it’s not going to do any good. At all.

The ultimate problem here is she is protecting him from the consequences of his behavior.

His behavior made him completely unwelcome in the area where she built him a house so she’s fixing that problem.

She pays his restitution for trying to burn down dads house with him in it.

She takes care of everything.

She likes to talk about his problems but she doesn’t realize he doesn’t have any problems. She does. She needs to give them back to him and walk away.

Yes it bothers me and what really eats my lunch is she is extenuating the situation so here we are at age 64 still dealing with this garbage.

If she had I’ve handled this correctly years ago he likely would have got out and been homeless and after sleeping behind a cold dumpster and eating out of the garbage can a few times realize that he could do better and the pain would make him willing to make the sacrifices needed to change. Pain is the teacher.

Now her dream is for
him being willing to go to rehab....so let me ask this - why?

His drug problem is not causing him any pain- he’s living in a nicer house than I am and has every bill paid and free food and hangs out and watches cable television all day. Why blow that?

If you get close to her you will realize her biggest fear is that he will be homeless and she would have to witness that.

She doesn’t realize right now that him being homeless is pretty much a goal of mine.

I have no problem whatsoever making it as hard as possible for somebody to live the way they are living if they are living wrong.

Chris made a good statement- there is beautiful answer.

God can deliver him. At 26, I didn’t really look a lot different from that picture and God woke me up and showed me what I was. And put me around people that showed me what I could be.

I don’t say a lot about it here but I have very strong religious convictions. I do think people have sensed that over time here.

And no I’m not ashamed ....I don’t say much on here because I prefer to let my actions prove out.

He can do something positive with whatever time he has left- anybody can. This life is not about what we can do, it is about what we WILL do.

I would love to get mom on Dr. Phil. Good Lord he would get a rise out of her level of enabling-

“ Ma’am are you telling me you had a contractor build him a complete house when he was in prison?” ....” How’s that working for you now?”

What he’s going to do from here on his sit there and talk about rehab enough to keep a roof over his head and keep playing her.

She mentioned yesterday how smart he was. I guess he is smart- he’s living off of an 83 year old great grandmother.....

Thanks for sharing this with us . I find it interesting that many of us have similar situations , just the particulars are different .
And its true there are two paths forward . At this point It looks like there's only one . Thankfully God saves sinners , and I know I'm one.
There is at least hope , until someones dies .

 

[AndyG]

Thanks for sharing this with us . I find it interesting that many of us have similar situations , just the particulars are different .
And its true there are two paths forward . At this point It looks like there's only one . Thankfully God saves sinners , and I know I'm one.
There is at least hope , until someones dies .

He is a sad case.

Basically a lifetime of talking and acting stupid to get attention and saying anything to convince himself he had it going on.

I’ve seen it from the beginning.


Basically a spirit of “ I am cool and nobody is going to tell me what to do”. He succeeded - now nobody even tries except for her.

Never let yourself get to the point people will not even try to help you. Don’t be a waste of time.

 

[Mhass]

Hold fast Andy.
Don't invest too much, but don't give up hope either.
That dude would be well served to be hungry and cold for a while.
He really needs the gift of desperation.

 

[AndyG]

i couldnt even imagine a parent like that. in my family you re out at 18 and thats it. no birthday pressents no christmas. nothing. no money no help. youre an adult and you deal with it on your own.

this is mind blowing to me.

Here’s a good question and I bet I already know the answer-

I bet all of your siblings are pretty levelheaded and responsible and doing OK-

Hitting the street at 18 will make you grow up pretty quick.

 

[MaxNard]

Very sad reading through your troubles. I'm going through this with my son.

I would tell your Mom that she is responsible for, and the reason, why he's still the way he is. She's why he was never actually allowed to hit the-rock-bottom-he-needed-to-hit to acquire the desire to seek help. These personality types (complete sociopathic narcissists really... I believe "addiction" just becomes an excuse) are only ever about having a good time. Racking up expenses on someone else's account becomes part of the fun.

I'm watching my son cycle in and out of rehab each time he needs to collect a new batch of "friends" to burn through. I cut him off after sending him to, basically a club-med, rehab his first go-round (after years of blowing up his life).

Sadly, you'll have to cut her off too if you want your brother out of your life. The behavior's gone on too long and is not likely to be subject to change.

 

[18thcenturyguy]

I'm a recovering addict. 18 years clean now. All I know is I didn't seek help until I ran out of people to leach off of. We call it the gift of desperation.

After my parents and friends cut me off and I lost my house and dogs, I finally sought out help in a 12 step program. Today I sponsor 3 guys and feel blessed to have found a fellowship of recovering addicts.