If you think about it, if you had a book, or file, or even an old spiral notebook of all the stuff you either said or got into as a small child through your high school years, and condensed it down to the highlights, wouldn’t that be cool as hell right now?
Back in the day, what feels like at least one hundred years ago now yet actually in the late 60’s, my super cool hero guy was a wild man who jumped over cars, trucks and fountains with his motorcycle. I thought he was the coolest thing ever. I built ramps out of everything and tried my best to emulate him. After a few years of practice, I literally drug a sheet of 3/4” plywood out of our garage and strategically placed it on the back of my neighbors VW Bug he had parked in front of his house. I told my mother to call the tv, and newspaper people to come watch me jump a car on my bicycle. She said ok, so I waited for them, and made sure my bike was ready, and clean. After about an hour I went back inside and asked her about their whereabouts, and she replied that she did call them, but she couldn’t guarantee that they would show up. So, after some thought, I rounded up kids in my neighborhood to come watch me, and to bring their cameras. I was confident I would make history that very day. After yet another hour went by and still no reporters of any sort, I decided the hell with it, I’m going to go for it. I asked my mother to come outside to watch me, and alerted the remaining crowd of maybe ten people that I would launch in fifteen minutes, or as soon as my mother came out. As luck would have it, my mother came outside dragging my two younger brothers, both in diapers. I proudly announced to everyone to not try this at home, and here I go. I rode my bike up the hill, turned around, then stopped. I planted my foot on the forward most pedal, and shoved off into my destiny. Those in the know understand how full sheets of plywood bow in the middle when rolling weight traverses it’s length. I was not in the know that day. When I felt the bowing action of the plywood I did realize that it was way too late for me to do anything about it, and I was about to be propelled into orbit. One can only imagine the pitch in which my mother screamed, and the sheer awe in the eyes of all witnessing the feat unfold. I had to be at least fifteen feet off the ground at the top of my arc, and with a firm grip on my Tony the Tiger handgrips, I came down like the sack of potatoes that went up. Purposely landing front wheel first to absorb some of the impact, it was like a slow motion newsreel of my hero, I slammed my nutsack into the gooseneck with more force than the best NFL punter could muster with his foot on his best day. I remember hearing a odd crunching noise at the time but I was too preoccupied with the landing at the time to properly diagnose what it was. No, it was not me or my groin region, it was however later determined to be the spokes of the front wheel as it assumed a downward “D” shape, and my handlebars rotating forward acting as another unforeseen impact reduction device. I honestly don’t remember much of the landing except the smell of grass, up close, and the look on my mothers face when I opened my eyes. She was clearly mad at me for some reason, by I could also hear the roar of the crowd behind her. Turns out it was the neighbor that owned the car, and he was not a happy guy at all. Seems the plywood really scratched up the paint on his bosses car that he was in trusted care of for a week, while the boss had flown out of town and didn’t want to leave it at the airport for fear it might get door dinged or something. All in all, it was a good day for me. I had easily cleared the car, setting a new neighborhood record that may still be standing today. My bike was trashed, I was grounded, and my dad had me mowing the neighbors yard for quite a while after that. I did sign a few autographs at school as a result, even though a teacher would normally have me erase it along with everything else on the chalkboard. Everybody knew i was that guy though, even if I had to remind them, and I was cool.
