Does this ever work?

[AndyG]

I don’t get on here often and vent...but surely among this crowd, someone has to know-

My only brother is 59. He is bright, articulate and highly skilled. He has also completely ruined his life. He has been a wild card since his mid teens, and it has just steadily gotten worse, til he torched my dads house with him in it, and went to prison. Dad made it out. After prison, it has been a whole new level of bad. Now its Meth binges.


My mom, bless her heart, wants nothing more in this world than for him to be ok.....when he was in prison, she found an area with low property values (for obvious reasons) and built him a new house to live in. Recently she was there, a flat bed backed in...lady got out and said she was there to pick up the deck. He is selling the sheetrock off the walls.

She says she has came to the point there is no hope for him (this has taken about 45 years) but needs to do what she can, and wants to buy more property in the area to keep out the bad people, saying It is her duty to help stop the problem. I told her how I felt, and boy that went bad. I told her since she couldnt fix him she was trying to fix the world around him. Went over like a fart in a diving helmet.

Here is my question- has anyone on here ever , ever , ever seen anyone fix another human being? I can’t remember a single time I have ever seen it happen. All I have ever seen is parents helping sorry kids , and the kids turn around and take a dump on their parents’ lives.

She wants to “save “ him, nurture him, get him counseling, he is her”child” , it has been never ending.

One of my earliest memories of this was him getting arrested, and before the evening was over, she was on the phone cussing out the police. I believe about 98-99 percent of the time, they get the right person.

I honestly don’t expect him to be alive a lot longer, he is in a really bad place.

I hate to see the pain this has caused her, and I love and respect her, but she is wrong, and this has gone on beyond belief. Anyone that says anything gets a stiff arm.

I’d love to hear some similar stories or success stories....don’t feel compelled to reveal things you shouldn’t and air out dirty laundry- but just as a cross section of folks that like to enjoy life, I would love to hear from some of you guys. I am really struggling with this.

My main concern is when you do anything at all that helps people like this, any thing you do that saves them money , just frees up their funds to do more damage. She said “i dont but him alcohol and drugs”. I know , you buy him everything else, so he has that covered .

 

[randy328]

I have a friend whose brother was in a similar situation. He finally decided he was at rock bottom, cleaned up, started going to NA, and has now been sober 10 years or so (he is about 55 now). I talked with him about it, said all the family and friends trying to get him to change meant nothing to him, just one day he decided he wanted to clean up. His decision. When he decided, he got it done. Craziest of all though, he said he really decided he wanted to clean up because he watvhed some show on tv and it made him want to learn to scuba dive and knew he couldn't on drugs. So, I taught him and certified him.

He said something similar that when he was using, every dime he got from family and friends went to dope. Every gift got pawned. He stole from family and pawned their stuff. People helping him was a waste of their time.

 

[MountaineerTom]

It's hard to give up on your kids, no matter how old they are. I tend to believe it would be even harder for a mother. Sorry to hear this is happening to your family and hope there is some type of positive outcome for everyone.

 

[P man]

It depends on how addicted to meth he is but a full blown meth addict has very little statistical chance of ever becoming clean and sober..I want to say 5 percent but I could be wrong. I like an underdog story as much as you but if he hasn't figured out life at 59 and is using hard drugs the issue will most likely take care of itself

 

[AndyG]

I have a friend whose brother was in a similar situation. He finally decided he was at rock bottom, cleaned up, started going to NA, and has now been sober 10 years or so (he is about 55 now). I talked with him about it, said all the family and friends trying to get him to change meant nothing to him, just one day he decided he wanted to clean up. His decision. When he decided, he got it done. Craziest of all though, he said he really decided he wanted to clean up because he watvhed some show on tv and it made him want to learn to scuba dive and knew he couldn't on drugs. So, I taught him and certified him.

He said something similar that when he was using, every dime he got from family and friends went to dope. Every gift got pawned. He stole from family and pawned their stuff. People helping him was a waste of their time.

It has to be an inside job. Great post.

 

[Fixer6]

Two cousins, one older than me and one younger, both seemed to always be trying to find out how high is too high. Always heard the stories about family members trying everything they could to try and help them get through it. Always a new disaster, always tragedy, even got their sister robbed and stabbed in the process. Both in and out of jail from their teens until the day they died. My aunt just couldn’t understand what went wrong, and gave them everything she ever owned. Two out of seven kids, and a third put a shotgun in his mouth over losing a girlfriend at age 12. Four are normal as can be, families, good jobs, good people. Not until the day they died did they ever stop. Both were killed in separate circumstances. One, at 56 years old, stabbed through the chest with a knife big enough to pin him to the chair he was sitting in, and stuffed in a mop closet. The other, at 42, thought was a good idea to douse himself with gasoline and light it while thinking he was just going to scare one of his neighbors, like in the movies. Yeah, it turned out he was not Johnny blaze or Ghost rider, and he just turned himself into charred bacon. Nothing anybody ever did for those two guys ever turned out to be a good thing. It was just wasted time and effort. They always managed to figure out how to turn it around.

 

[InOmaha]

If he needs a girlfriend, my sister in law is the female version of him.

I'll send her down and maybe they'll keep each other busy for a while. The side benefit is she'll be across the country from us.

 

[AndyG]

It depends on how addicted to meth he is but a full blown meth addict has very little statistical chance of ever becoming clean and sober..I want to say 5 percent but I could be wrong. I like an underdog story as much as you but if he hasn't figured out life at 59 and is using hard drugs the issue will most likely take care of itself

That is exactly right. Well said.

 

[pagrey]

She wants to “save “ him, nurture him, get him counseling, he is her”child” , it has been never ending.

You probably can't change your Mom and your Mom probably can't change your brother. Sometimes family and friendship means walking the path beside somebody and not choosing the path. It also is important to keep your own footing, you can't be there for other people in life if you let them pull you off the cliff when they fall. I think it can be helpful to remind your Mom to keep her footing so she can be there for others. But as far as telling her she's making mistakes, I think that might do more harm than good.

 

[mrblaine]

I am really struggling with this.

My main concern is when you do anything at all that helps people like this, any thing you do that saves them money , just frees up their funds to do more damage. She said “i dont but him alcohol and drugs”. I know , you buy him everything else, so he has that covered .

The struggle is the same as always, wanting folks you care about to be a certain way instead of just accepting them for how they are. All that does is make your life miserable. I have an entire family that has spent decades trying to get others in the family to behave and act like they care, never gonna happen. My choice was to stick around and participate in their bullshit or get away from it. I chose to get away from it. They are all in NM, I went west as far as I could and stopped when any further required I live on a boat.

You also really need to learn the difference between helping and enabling.

That and you really need to quit trying to change your mom. If she hasn't figured it out by now, she isn't going to. Tolerate it or get away from it, those are your choices.

 

[AndyG]

My brother shows no promise. Is there hope...well, he is alive, but the damage is so bad there is little chance of any quality of life , or time left.

All i want is my mom safe, happy and able to enjoy her last years. Hope it happens.

 

[AndyG]

The struggle is the same as always, wanting folks you care about to be a certain way instead of just accepting them for how they are. All that does is make your life miserable. I have an entire family that has spent decades trying to get others in the family to behave and act like they care, never gonna happen. My choice was to stick around and participate in their bullshit or get away from it. I chose to get away from it. They are all in NM, I went west as far as I could and stopped when any further required I live on a boat.

You also really need to learn the difference between helping and enabling.

That and you really need to quit trying to change your mom. If she hasn't figured it out by now, she isn't going to. Tolerate it or get away from it, those are your choices.

That is where I am. I can’t change her any more than she can change him now that you mention it.

 

[Viking Jeeper]

My ex wife had a brother like this, he's dead now. None of the siblings gave a crap about him after what he had done but his parents would go looking for him in the backwoods of GA hopefully to turn him around. Never worked.

 

[mrblaine]

My brother shows no promise. Is there hope...well, he is alive, but the damage is so bad there is little chance of any quality of life , or time left.

My father was an active alcoholic for a very long time. When he got sober and stayed sober, the alcohol had changed him so much that the cynical fucking narcissistic asshole he turned into was someone I did not wish to speak to, so I didn't. Be careful what you wish for, you may find that the sober version is no better than the drugged version and has attributes that are just as intolerable.

All i want is my mom safe, happy and able to enjoy her last years. Hope it happens.

What does she want?

 

[AndyG]

My father was an active alcoholic for a very long time. When he got sober and stayed sober, the alcohol had changed him so much that the cynical fucking narcissistic asshole he turned into was someone I did not wish to speak to, so I didn't. Be careful what you wish for, you may find that the sober version is no better than the drugged version and has attributes that are just as intolerable.

What does she want?

I have no fantasies..my brother likely wont live out the year. Its bad.

As far as her, she would die to see him have any kind of a better life. My frustration is she won’t stop. Buying land to clean up the area is the height of optimism.

You guys nailed it...I’m doing the same thing she is , trying to fix someone else , her.

I’ve stayed pretty clear overall, and am pulling back. If she wants his problems, that is fine. He is happy as a lark.

 

[mrblaine]

I have no fantasies..my brother likely wont live out the year. Its bad.

As far as her, she would die to see him have any kind of a better life. My frustration is she won’t stop. Buying land to clean up the area is the height of optimism.

You guys nailed it...I’m doing the same thing she is , trying to fix someone else , her.

I’ve stayed pretty clear overall, and am pulling back. If she wants his problems, that is fine. He is happy as a lark.

The only person you can fix is yourself. When the pain gets high enough, you either get away from it or learn tolerance.

You mom suffers from the same malady lots of parents do and should not. She takes his condition as a direct reflection of who she is and how successful she was at raising him to have the same values she does. Since he does not, that really makes her feel poorly and she takes it as a direct affront to her as a person. She won't ever stop trying to fix him because she isn't trying to fix him, she is trying to fix how folks view her and if he is a failure, then so is she.

You can NOT make your kids be something other than they are. Raise 'em up, teach them as best you can, turn them loose, they will be who they are no matter what you do or didn't do.

 

[AndyG]

The only person you can fix is yourself. When the pain gets high enough, you either get away from it or learn tolerance.

You mom suffers from the same malady lots of parents do and should not. She takes his condition as a direct reflection of who she is and how successful she was at raising him to have the same values she does. Since he does not, that really makes her feel poorly and she takes it as a direct affront to her as a person. She won't ever stop trying to fix him because she isn't trying to fix him, she is trying to fix how folks view her and if he is a failure, then so is she.

You can NOT make your kids be something other than they are. Raise 'em up, teach them as best you can, turn them loose, they will be who they are no matter what you do or didn't do.

You are so accurate about this I would almost think you are here Blaine.

I believe you, know better than to try to change it, and guess I got on here to vent my frustration.

Another irony is the mess I was up to 26-it was headed the same way....and all the change came from inside. Good people were there to help, but not til I was acting right and making better choices.

it has been tiring, the lies , “oh he is just bi polar”, etc. The blame earth is actually bi polar.

Really appreciate all the honesty from everyone, and taking time to respond.

 

[JEEPCJTJ]

AndyG, sorry to hear about what's going on in your family.

The best message is from mrblaine, you can't fix anyone but yourself. From what I see, you did most of that "fixing" in your mid 20s and since you posted this:

I’ve stayed pretty clear overall, and am pulling back.

You probably won't have a whole lot to "fix" after that.

She won't ever stop trying to fix him because she isn't trying to fix him, she is trying to fix how folks view her and if he is a failure, then so is she.

Luckily for my family, my mother hasn't had anyone that she would have ended up enabling but her whole life has been her worrying about how other people view her. It took me several decades to realize what it was and that it will never end and I still have some trouble keeping it aside. Almost 50 yrs ago, I was the probably average grade school boy and I was her failure while my younger brother who was closer to the average grade school girl was God's gift to the world. "Why can't you be a good boy like Johnny?!?" 27 yrs ago when I got married she was upset that we wouldn't make her a written list of what everyone gave us while writing the thank you cards. I don't quite remember if she wanted to make sure she gave more to their familie's weddings or they gave enough to us. Either way WTF? I could probably fill a book with all the other examples.

You can NOT make your kids be something other than they are. Raise 'em up, teach them as best you can, turn them loose, they will be who they are no matter what you do or didn't do.

That is a fact. My daughter and youngest son are in their mid 20's doing fine but my 31 yr old son (different mother) hasn't worked an over the table job ever. Well, I guess he might have in the last 5 yrs that no one on this side of the family has seen or been able to talk to him, but I doubt it. I'm not super happy about it being like this but it's not destroying my life either. I'm pretty sure his real mother would let us know if something really bad happened to him, if she would even know. The first couple years of this "missing" family member did cause my mother a lot of worry about what the family (probably just me) did to cause this.

 

[AndyG]

You arent kidding. Blaine has a future in family counseling if his other ventures go flat. My mom is very prideful, and he nailed it ...she is trying to fix the view people have of her, and sadly it is negatively affecting how they her.

 

[someguysjeep]

it's not easy to turn your back sometimes, you know you need to get out/away but your afraid they'll not last long once that happens and you feel that weight on your shoulders.

and it can be harder when the person is totally normal when not under the influence.